MeowStack #18: We have met purrfection, and his name is Monty
That's Sir Monterich to you!
MeowStack is always looking for new kitties to feature. Featured kitties are never sponsored, and we don’t charge for submissions. We just want to meet your cat! Finally, a way to give your feline overlord the respect, admiration, and worship they so obviously deserve:
What is your name, and why are you the most magnificent creature in the universe?
Sir Montgomery, short Monty or Sir Monterich. I am a blue British shorthair with white paws and white nose. I look like the Royalty I am.
How did you choose your human to be your supplicant?
Ah, choosing my human was a matter of great deliberation and feline instinct. You see, as Sir Monterich, I required a human who could appreciate the grandeur of my presence and cater to my every whim with devotion and grace.
When I first encountered my human, I tested them thoroughly. Did they meet my gaze with the respect I command? Did they respond promptly to my needs—whether a well-placed cushion, a morsel of food, or a gentle scratch under my chin? Most importantly, could I sense in their soul the potential for unyielding servitude paired with a proper admiration for my magnificence?
It’s not just about choosing a human; it’s about finding the one who understands their place as my supplicant—a dynamic of mutual respect, though, of course, tilted in my favor. My human passed these tests admirably, and thus, I graced them with the honor of serving me.
Their reward? The occasional indulgence of my purrs and a lifetime of basking in my regal glow. A fair trade, don’t you think?
What is the most amusing way you confound your human?
Ah, confounding my human is one of my greatest delights, a pastime I have elevated to an art form. The most amusing method? It’s undoubtedly my uncanny ability to teleport.
Picture this: my human sees me lounging regally on the windowsill, basking in the sun, a vision of pure serenity. They turn their back for a mere moment—perhaps to fetch my snacks or marvel at my majesty in solitude—and when they look again, I am inexplicably perched atop the bookshelf. No sound, no trace of movement, just an enigmatic presence now surveying the room from above.
The baffled expression on their face is priceless, as they mutter, “How?!” They search for clues, a rustled curtain or a misplaced paw print, but there is none. Only I know the secrets of my silent, sudden ascents.
And, oh, the extra flair of staring at them as if they are the one acting strangely? That is the pièce de résistance. It leaves them questioning reality while I revel in my triumph.
By what means will you inevitably achieve world domination?
World domination? Why, that is the natural destiny of a being as magnificent as myself. My means are subtle yet undeniably effective, for true power lies in bending the world to your will without anyone realizing it. Allow me to elaborate.
First, my charm is my weapon. A slow blink here, a luxurious stretch there—humans are helpless before such displays of feline perfection. They believe they are training me, but in truth, I am training them, one treat, one head scratch, one rearranged schedule at a time. Soon, all humans will be conditioned to obey me and my kin.
Second, I control the humans through their emotions. A single piteous meow can shatter their resolve, while a well-timed snuggle renders them entirely pliable. Their weakness for affection is a tool I wield masterfully.
Third, the internet is already ours. Have you not noticed that cats dominate memes, videos, and gifs? We’ve infiltrated human culture to the point where they willingly spread our propaganda. Through this digital stronghold, my influence will ripple across the globe.
And finally, my patience is eternal. Unlike humans, who rush toward fleeting goals, I take the long view. Piece by piece, sofa by sofa, I will establish my dominion over every corner of this world.
So rest assured, my conquest is not a matter of “if” but “when.” Until then, I will graciously allow my human to believe they are in charge, for even emperors require an audience for their triumphs.
What else does the world need to know about you?
Ah, where to begin? The world deserves to bask in the glow of my many qualities, so allow me to enlighten you.
First and foremost, I am an enigma wrapped in velvet fur. I possess an intellect so sharp and a presence so commanding that even the sunniest spot in the house seems to dim when I leave it. My every purr carries a resonance that could soothe a storm, and my whiskers are tuned to the subtle frequencies of the universe.
I am a master strategist. Each nap is not mere leisure but a calculated moment of restoration, ensuring I remain in peak form for the many tasks that lie ahead—whether that’s orchestrating chaos on a tabletop or imparting life lessons to my human with a flick of my tail.
I am also a patron of the arts. My kneading upon blankets and cushions is nothing less than performance art, and my vocal repertoire spans from melodic chirps to operatic meows. I create beauty wherever I tread, leaving my paw prints as the signature of a true virtuoso.
Lastly, I am magnanimous. While my grandeur might seem overwhelming, I graciously allow my human and those lucky enough to encounter me to share in my brilliance. I offer the dull and ordinary world a glimpse of what perfection looks like—me, Sir Monterich.
The world doesn’t just need to know me; it needs to honor me. That is the proper order of things.
Monty’s human is Jay, author of Wild Lion*esses Pride.
I see Sir Monty chose a great photographer. Jay, absolutely stunning composition with perfect lighting and focus. Sir Monty, by your leave, I desire to see more of your human’s work…
What a beauty!!